to "the one" if i ever find you

I hate the fact that I'm always thinking about you. I always say that my time and thoughts should be spent on me and things that matter or people who care. The scary thing is that this time, you do matter and you actually care back. Honestly, it's a terrifying thought that someones feelings are as strong as mine and are about me. It's real. It means it's a feeling I have to be careful with and take care of because it could go away as quickly as it came. I hate the fact that I stay up late most nights and wake up early most mornings because there's a slight chance you've left me some kind of message, satisfying my craving for more of your words. More than that I hate it when you do reply because it only reminds me of the fact you're not lying next to me every night when I run my hand past the other side of my bed just in case you're there. I'm miserable when I'm not talking to you, always self conscious that your silence means you've moved past this cute little thing we have have. Always self conscious when we do talk that I'll say something to sway how you feel about me. In my head, it's not just a cute little feeling we both have, or something I could just forget in a few days. Erase the text messages, voice mails, memories, or any trace of anything that reminds me of you. It's a series of emotions that I've never felt about someone before, which makes you special in a way. At the same time, that makes me worry that you'll notice this about me and take advantage of it to get whatever it is you really want from me. I know this isn't true. But I find myself always trying to find a reason to hate you. To find that flaw that I didn't see at first. Hating someone is an emotional rage that comes easily to most. Loving someone takes time and a whole lot of risk. But people say you should never take the easy way out so I guess I'll have to give into the feeling of loving and throw myself into it not knowing if I'll come out hurt in the end. Good things can't last forever after all. But then again that could just be the cynicism inside me that's been hurt and used time and time again. More or less, I hate the fact that one human being, you, could inflict this upon me. Even now I'm waiting for you to miraculously appear at my door, but I know that won't happen for the time being. Maybe this feeling of love we all have doesn't require a physical plane to thrive on. Maybe it is just the overwhelming feeling you get when the other person says those three words. Either way, the butterflies in my stomach, and constant anxiousness are because of you. The feeing of wanting, needing you and only you. No other person in the world is what consumes my thoughts in the same way. The risk I'm taking by giving this piece of me to another is hard to do and leaves me vulnerable but in the end, I'd rather have my heart break in two than to never have experienced the thrill and excitement of these intense feelings. No one can really define love but I know it's what I'm feeling. And even if you'll probably never read this because I fear it would send you off, all these words are my heart beat, steady and true.

The truth of the matter is I hate you with all my being for making me feel this way.

The truth of the matter is I love you for being the one to do it.

i.love.you.